Tuesday, April 1, 2008

32oz? Really?


Maybe I was in the "formative" years, but I remember the race to the bladder buster between AM/PM and 7 Eleven mini markets all to well. I remember what seemed like each subsequent week marveling at how enormous the 32oz sodas were, then 64oz... then... then... *BOOM* busted!
I went to this coffee place the other day, Bikini Bottom Espresso. For the record; YES! I went to see if the baristas wear bikini bottoms. I learned 2 things from my trip to my local coffee drive through:
  • I'm obviously not the target demographic, as when I pulled up to the window the bottoms of the barista were SO not visible. In fact I was having trouble seeing if she had cleavage or not. It seemed much more appropriate for someone with an FX50 with a lift kit who's height is measured in double digits. It was as if the coffee trailer itself was mocking my fine German auto for being so puny. It made me feel inadequate.
  • I also learned that we have some kind of issue with competition here in America. As I was looking at the order menu where drink names were laid out as to rows, and drink sizes were laid out as to columns my eyes marveled as they traveled farther and farther left to meet with a 32oz version of each drink. Folks that is 5 shots of espresso in what some would argue a bladder buster size. Why must we equate quality with quantity in this country. Why is it better to get a Gallon of Olive oil at Costco? Just because it is a good deal? What is happening to the quality products? Why can't we be satisfied with a 16oz drink? or 20oz? Why must we make the leap to the gigantic?Now I don't know about you all, but I've had 5 shots before... nay not all in 1 drink, but over the span of a few hours. As some of you may know, I'm no small man. At 6'4" and a svelte 260 I've been described as a "large human", haven't we all? It is with the deepest horror that I attempt now to wave you off the 5 shot configuration for your tasty bikini served (safe to assume I would wager) coffee beverage. Having imbibed all 5 of my shots spread over the course of a few hours I found myself unable to operate my auto, and NEARLY had to pull over to the shoulder of the freeway because tears of joy rippled my vision making it impossible to see. That's RIGHT! I turned into a blubbering idiot, and I'm here to warn you that It could happen to you too.
    I mean a 32oz Latte is a hell of a lot of coffee! Whats next? 64oz? The beverage race of ole would seem to suggest. But it is a slippery slope... before you know it we will be getting free refills and hot dogs with our coffee, it seems like a crime.